Cinnamon and Sadness.

– 30th Sun of the 1st Astral Moon

I only write when I’m sad or angry. That’s why this book is full of nothing but sadness and anger. I think it helped once, but now I feel nothing. There’s no relief or cathartic  catharcism  catharsis(?) to be had here.

Another morning, another empty bed. I can’t get used to it. I left the house today, at least, wandered the avenues of Ul’dah. I stopped at the usual bakery and without thinking about it I ordered a dozen cinnamon buns. The little lalafell smiled as she handed them over. Her smile faded as she saw the look on my face. I was on the verge of tears. I’d forgotten, again. I don’t know if she knew, or whether I wear my heart so plainly on my sleeve, but she refused to take my coin.

So, now I have a dozen cinnamon buns sitting on my table I can’t bear to look at, much less eat. She loved the smell, and the taste. I associated them with her, with the happiness she brought. And now all that’s left is a empty void in my chest. I’m shaking. I’ve slept but it feels like it was an eternity ago. I’m exhausted.

I yearn – no, pray – for the day I wake up from this lonely nightmare. There’s nobody here. It’s just me, alone with my sadness.

It’s funny, how it all comes full circle. Maybe it is time to finish what I planned to do all those cycles ago, when I was alone with my sadness. I think my saving grace came. There’s no shock of pink hair to save me this time. I wasted that chance and everything that came with it.

Advertisements

Emptiness.

– 28th Sun of the 1st Astral Moon

I slept last night, at least. I couldn’t the night before. The empty bed was cold an uninviting and so I lay awake, crying when I could. I feel like a broken dam. All the tears have gone and now there’s just an empty void.

I woke this morning to an empty bed. I forgot. I rolled over and I expected a warm embrace but there was nothing.

She left some of her things. A lot of the pillows in the workshop corner are still there. They still smell like her and I’m sat with them as I write.

Looking back on this book now, I can see the path that took me here – the path of sadness, bitterness and anger. And then it all went away. I was happy, for a time. I wasn’t perfect, but I was happy. Yet, now to all that bitterness I return. Perhaps it was too much to hope for.

The more I read her letter, the more vitriol I feel inside me. I can feel myself twisting the reasoning for everything in my head and I can’t help myself. Deep down I know that this was her choice and that it was nothing I did – how could it have been? She would’ve said something. Yet, she didn’t say anything, as if she was hiding something from me, or as if she didn’t think I was capable of helping. And now the more that I think on it, the angrier I become at myself, and at her.

I don’t want to be angry. I know my anger will ruin these memories of the times we had, but I don’t know how not to be – not without Zho. She was my calm, my peace, the soothing voice of reason and now she’s gone and I’m left with nothing but myself, and this rising sea of bitter fury.

I want to be happy. I just wish I knew how.

The light has gone out of my life.

– 26th Sun of the 1st Astral Moon

She’s gone.

When I saw the signs I should’ve done something. I didn’t. I woke up this morning and found a note and a empty bed.

I’ve never felt more hollow in my entire life. I’ve never felt so alone. So small.

On just the other page I talked about turning things around, but there’s no turning around from this. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to go. I feel lost.

My calm is gone. The one thing I knew I could count on to remind me that the world wasn’t an entirely shitty place is gone.

 

Why did she go?

Her letter said she wanted to find her parents, but she must have known that I would’ve come with her. I would’ve been aboard the Raven to help her in moments. But I’m not. She didn’t ask. Didn’t she trust me? Was I just in the way? Was I just comfort until she found a lead, no matter how many summers it took? Was I even that?

Zho, I’m sorry. I wish I knew what it was I did wrong. I wish I knew why you didn’t think I could come with you. I wish…

I wish for a lot of things. I think that about sums it up, what I wrote already.

I wish I knew why.