– 28th Sun of the 1st Astral Moon
I slept last night, at least. I couldn’t the night before. The empty bed was cold an uninviting and so I lay awake, crying when I could. I feel like a broken dam. All the tears have gone and now there’s just an empty void.
I woke this morning to an empty bed. I forgot. I rolled over and I expected a warm embrace but there was nothing.
She left some of her things. A lot of the pillows in the workshop corner are still there. They still smell like her and I’m sat with them as I write.
Looking back on this book now, I can see the path that took me here – the path of sadness, bitterness and anger. And then it all went away. I was happy, for a time. I wasn’t perfect, but I was happy. Yet, now to all that bitterness I return. Perhaps it was too much to hope for.
The more I read her letter, the more vitriol I feel inside me. I can feel myself twisting the reasoning for everything in my head and I can’t help myself. Deep down I know that this was her choice and that it was nothing I did – how could it have been? She would’ve said something. Yet, she didn’t say anything, as if she was hiding something from me, or as if she didn’t think I was capable of helping. And now the more that I think on it, the angrier I become at myself, and at her.
I don’t want to be angry. I know my anger will ruin these memories of the times we had, but I don’t know how not to be – not without Zho. She was my calm, my peace, the soothing voice of reason and now she’s gone and I’m left with nothing but myself, and this rising sea of bitter fury.
I want to be happy. I just wish I knew how.