Happy.

-23rd Sun of the 3rd Astral Moon

Gods, writing out the full date is a pain in the arse and I’m not even writing out the era. I suppose I imagine this book will be full by such a time and I can place a nice shiny plaque on the front.

It’s amazing how quickly things can turn around. I look back on previous entries and smile at how much better I now feel. Occasionally, I do slip into a mood. Perhaps a night or two of unhappiness over something daft, but I have the best company in the world to pry me from that dark abyss.

Zho’s around a lot more often now, so I can almost always count on having a soft, warm embrace waiting for me at the end of the day that I can cuddle up against and sleep in the arms of. And if not, then Sarnai provides much the same, if not as warm, and perhaps several times as lewd.

I was once concerned for how the conflict between Zho and Sarnai would pan out, but both sides seem amicable to each other, and neither particularly mind the situation that I caused. Thank Thal, really. It could’ve been disastrous.

The two strike a nice balance. Zho is the calm, the affection, and the cuddles; and Sarnai is the passion and the lewdness. Not to say that they don’t each cross over from time to time, but there is definitely a balance of note.

 

As far as the Free Company and such go, we have several new faces, most of which have been amicable. Our best is Karmil, an adorable, silly Seeker. She’s joined us as a navigator, taking over Leanne’s position–whom I shall get to later–aboard the Raven. She’s also shown an aptitude for machinistry. I believe I have found myself an apprentice. Perhaps one to carry my soulstone once I have completed it.

Next is U’ari. She’s interesting. An U huntress. I’m not too sure how to feel about her just yet. She’s eager to get to know me specifically. I’m feeling like U’xi may have intrigued her.

Tseren was a bitch our physician. She quit after Reppu told her to fuck off. She had an awful temper. Good riddance, really.

 

The situation with Leanne has somewhat improved. We sat down a few sennights ago and just talked. We’re a little more amicable now, I suppose. We’ll see how long it lasts. Might be a while. Depends how long she keeps pandering to my boob ego.

 

Still haven’t seen Eyshn since she said she’d visit. What a grump.

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Chaos.

-21st Sun of the 2nd Astral Moon

Where to begin.

This last moon has been spent chasing Reppu and Eyshn across Dravania again and it felt exactly the same as it did before

Let me start at the beginning of this clusterfuck.

Reppu has always been sharing a body with her mother Rika for as long as I can remember. Something earlier this moon triggered or broke something that was keeping Rika’s influence dormant.

Rika possessed Reppu’s body, forced her to act as she wanted. She enthralled Eyshn as well, and the pair of them escaped the Estate via the power of Rika’s stone. Rika planned to destroy the Echo by reuniting the fragments of her soul. She’d split it to pieces previously to futilely try and rid herself of the Echo. Reppu was one such fragment – She of Wind.

Reppu means wind in Doman, apparently.

Reppu herself was her own individual due to the presence of her dragon-father’s influence. Rai…something. I can’t spell his name. The other fragments were not so lucky in their existence. The three that we encountered had base personalities, each one aspect of Rika’s fragmented mind.

We were opposed at every turn. Our allies turned against us. But, we are back. We are home. We are safe.

Reppu is safe.

Only she is not Reppu. Not right now. In removing Rika’s soul from Reppu’s body, we have also taken her own. Instead of the playful, bubbly Au Ra that I lov we love, we have an emotionless husk. We can restore her, it seems, but that requires trusting Ki’lari, something I am never comfortable with.

And what do we get for all this? What will I see at the end? Reppu clinging to Leanne and sobbing? The girl who almost killed her in her frenzy to have her freed? I dropped a primal on them, but I had faith that Rika would not allow herself to  I suppose I can’t speak. I endangered her life just as much myself, but I believe I had no other choice. Leanne’s dragon had a choice and she still used him as a weapon.

It’s time to be bitter for another year, I suppose. I’ll do what I can to help her. For her, even if I won’t ever receive anything for the efforts I make. It’s the least I can do for her, after what she did for me.

Lazy.

-6th Sun of the 2nd Astral Moon

I have done absolutely nothing productive in the last few suns. I’ve mostly been dozing around and occasionally tinkering with things.

Lucki is back, apparently. I missed her. Reppu made me and her spar. I won. I feel bad about it. I got bored near the end and stopped allowing her easy hits. Once she was on the ground and I on my feet it ended quickly.

Alongside her return, Iskander has also come back, as well as a new Keeper of the Moon called Jun-something. He reminds me of Lukha in all the wrong ways, looks just like him as well, and has another friend who looks similar. Apparently Keepers just don’t have men that look like men. They all look like scrawny women.

I should stop giving him such a hard time, though. I don’t even know why I dislike him so much. I just do.

Miyuki, on the other hand, irritates me for good reason. She’s exactly like Enju, trying to chide and chastise the way that I act and speak. I was here long before she was; it’s not her place to act as if she knows better than I do. Of course, I’m going to be the one getting shite for it, because Reppu agrees with them. Whether it’s her actually agreeing or just doing so because Miyuki is also Doman? Fuck knows.

Oh well. Little Ladies’ Day is going around right now. I suppose I’d better get onto getting gifts for Reppu and Eyshn, and thinking of what in the world I could get for Sarnai. Zho can get a box of cinnamon buns, a cup of hot chocolate and a cinnamon cat to cuddle for a little, I think. That sounds nice.

A New Start.

-23rd Sun of the 1st Umbral Moon

Jiggy stole my journal. I’m not sure if I’m impressed by his artistic ability or upset that he has more legible handwriting than myself.

Things have calmed down recently. I broke up with U’xi around this time last moon. Naturally, she refused to let me do so, until I just physically walked away from her and closed the door in her face. I haven’t heard from her since, and it’s been wonderful.

I feel happier.

Zho has moved in with me as well. She’s now working with me to man the shop, although I’m still doing a majority of the work it feels. It’s nice having company. We’ve shared some moments, but I’m still unsure as to where our relationship truly lies. I hope she doesn’t think we’re together right now… I might have slept with an Au Ra a few times.

Maybe more than a few.

In other, unrelated news: I’ve repaired my friendship with Reppu. I’d become increasingly hostile to her as my depression set in again. I didn’t want to lose her, so naturally I opted to be as vile and scathing as I could. Which totally made sense in my head somehow. Thankfully Eyshn was able to actually get through to me a little. She cares, her and Fenix both. I think she knows what I’ve been going through and she doesn’t want me to go the same way that she did. I can see why Reppu idolises her so.

What else is there to catch up on? Jack’s damage to the airship during our previous venture under Occidens is still biting me in the arse. Both the starboard engine and fuel tank were ruptured in some manner. The engine is repaired, but it’s only operating off half the fuel it should be, and will be doing so until I can repair the tank. To that end, I’ve asked Reppu if Sarnai–the Au Ra I previously mentioned–could sign up to work with us as an additional engineer and got the OK. I just hope I’ll get work done on the airship and not just on her.

Reppu also has us in some venture within the Wanderer’s Palace. I opted to remain out of the last journey out there, I’ve far too much work on repairing this airship damage right now to be balancing combat during the downtime. It doesn’t help that Leanne is there, throwing her ego around and getting in the way of anybody trying to do anything productive, but I’m not too surprised. I pointed a gun at her a while ago. I wish it was loaded.

And we’re heading down darker paths again. It’s best I cut it here, I believe.

 

Stay out of my journal, Jiggy.

A List of Metals.

-24th Sun of the 1st Astral Moon

I’m not going to write about U’xi any longer. I believe for the time being this book will be better served for work purposes than to rant about my feelings into. I fear that should I do so, I might lose myself to rage.

So, a list of the metals that we know in Eorzea, and some that perhaps we do not.

  • Adamantite

A rare metal found only in Azys Lla. Oft smelted with Darksteel. Fashioned into tools and weapons of impeccable quality.

 

  • Aurum Regis

A rare precious metal found only in the Churning Mists. Oft smelted with gold. Fashioned into jewellery of impeccable quality.

 

  • Belah’dian Silver

Silver tempered in a way lost to the ages. This tempering process makes it surprisingly heat-resistant.

 

  • Blue Mythril

A rare variety of mythril which emits a soft blue light. Unknown whether or not the luminescence transfers to items fashioned from it. (Let’s go with it, it sounds cool.)

 

  • Brass

A precious alloy of copper and zinc. Fashioned into the layman’s jewellery.

 

  • Bronze

An alloy of copper and tin. Fashioned into the layman’s tools and weaponry.

 

  • Cermet

A Garlean alloy. Renowned for heat, cold and shock absorption. Oft used as airship plating.

 

  • Chalcocite

A rare black ore containing copper, iron and saltpetre. Found in the Dravanian Forelands.

 

  • Cobalt

A strong metal forged into elite adventurer’s arms and armour. Oft smelted with other metals to produce a multitude of different alloys, such as Wolfram and Garlond Steel. Found in the northern reaches of Thanalan.

 

  • Copper

A common metal oft forged into the layman’s jewellery. It is also forged into the alloys of brass, bronze and rose gold. Found in many places. A favourite snack of Spriggans.

 

  • Cuprite

A rare, translucent red copper. It has no practical uses. Found in the Dravanian Hinterlands.

 

  • Darksteel

A rare metal forged into elite adventurer’s arms and armour. Oft found in Allagan constructions. Incredibly durable and retains an edge almost indefinitely.

 

  • Electrum

A plentiful precious metal found in the upper reaches of Las Noscea. Fashioned into jewellery for nobility and those with coin.

 

  • Fool’s Furite

A bright red ore, similar in appearance to Furite. Serves no practical purpose.

 

  • Furite

A metal found in Coerthas. Necessary in forging Ishgardian steel, it lends heat-resistant properties to the metal.

 

  • Gold

A precious metal. May be smelted with Aurum Regis. Found sparsely in many places.

 

  • Garlond Steel

A lightweight alloy of cobalt and vivianite iron. Used in the construction of airships. Fuck you Cid.

 

  • Garlean Steel

An unknown steel alloy. Remarkably light and shock resistant.

 

  • Hardsilver

A precious metal. Oft smelted with plain silver. Fashioned into jewellery of outstanding quality.

 

  • Iron

A common hard metal. Oft smelted with other metals such as Cobalt, and Titanium to strengthen them. Found in many places. A favourite snack of Coblyns.

 

  • Ishgardian Steel

A traditional Ishgardian alloy. It is unique in its resistance to both rust and heat. A small amount of Furite is included with the iron to lend these properties.

 

  • Kidney Iron

A type of ore rich in impure iron. Incredibly common. Oft employed in forges where obtaining higher quality irons prove difficult.

 

  • Lancite

A strange manner of ore, it forms the shape of miniature needles or lance heads. Used as shrapnel for Ishgard’s Bertha Cannons.

 

  • Limonite

An ore containing a large quantity of rusted iron. It serves no practical purpose, but possesses deodorising properties.

 

  • Mythril

An uncommon metal oft forged into hardened adventurer’s arms. May be smelted with Mythrite. Found in the Sagolii Desert and within the mountains of Coerthas.

 

  • Mythrite

A rare Coerthan metal that may be a purer form of Mythril. Oft smelted with plain Mythril. Found in the Coerthan Highlands.

 

  • Nashachite

An exceedingly rare gemstone, a deep green in colour. Named after the eyes of the former Sultana, Nanasha Ul Nasha.

 

  • Peacock Copper

A rare ore containing a high amount of copper. May be smelted with gold to create the alloy rose gold.

 

  • Platinum

An immensely rare precious metal. Oft found within Allagan garments. Fashioned into jewellery of untold value. Few veins have been discovered in the southern reaches of Thanalan.

 

  • Pommel Ore

Allegedly a new ore wrought by the Calamity, or one that lay hidden. Little to nothing is known about this ore, save its hardness. It may be found in the region known as ‘The Daggers’ in the Dravanian Hinterlands.

 

  • Pyrite

This ore contains combinations of iron and sulphur, resulting in a foul stench when forged. Serves no practical purpose. Could be found in the western reaches of Vylbrand before the Calamity, however now it may be found in the Dravanian Forelands.

 

  • Rose Gold

A precious alloy of copper and gold. Fashioned into jewellery for the upper class.

 

  • Scheelite

A strange blue ore that glows for short amounts of time, randomly. Perhaps related to Blue Mythril?

 

  • Silver

An uncommon precious metal. May be smelted with hardsilver. Fashioned into jewellery for the middle class.

  • Smithsonite

An ore found in the Sea of Clouds. It possesses an incredibly high zinc content.

  • Sphalerite

Ore heavy in both zinc and iron. Smelted to strengthen titanium further.

 

  • Steel

An alloy of iron and carbon. Oft smelted with grenade or bomb ashes. Fashioned into arms and armour for the veteran adventurer.

 

  • Tin

A common metal oft forged into the alloy of bronze. Sometimes fashioned into cheap tools and jewellery. A favoured snack of coblyns.

 

  • Titanium

A rare metal oft smelted with iron. Fashioned into weapons and armour of outstanding quality. May be smelted with zinc to further increase durability.

 

  • Vivianite

A dusky blue ore rich in irons. Oft found amidst the long-dead remains of wavekin. May be smelted into a lightweight steel alloy.

 

  • Wolfram

An alloy of cobalt, scheelite, and the mineral ferberite. Fashioned into arms and armour for the elite adventurer.

 

  • Wootz

A naturally occuring alloy. Wootz is found commonly in Allagan constructions, alongside Darksteel and Platinum. Boasts durability and excellent aetheroconductive properties.

 

  • Yellow Copper

An ore containing a mix of copper, iron and sulphur, producing a ripe stench when forged. Serves no practical use.

 

  • Zinc

A nigh-worthless metal smelted with copper to create brass, or with titanium to form a stronger alloy.

Drunk.

-22nd Sun of the 1st Astral Moon

[The handwriting here is worse than usual and the penmanship overall is incredibly sloppy, with inkblots left, right and centre.]

R’das Saharzh, the woman who cannot be happy. It’s got a good ring to it. One that fits. The more I think about it the more right it sounds like it is right.

What even is happiness? Love? Money? Friends? All of them? Work?

I don’t fucking know any more

I’m tired. Booze doesn’t hurt me. Booze doesn’t take me for granted or whatever the fuck it is that everybody else is doing these days.

I remember when I used to drink hot chocolate and eat cinnamon buns when I was upset. I used to want to curl up on pillows with friends and just be alone with them. Now I just want to actually be left alone. I have booze and sadness and that’s all I feel now. What the fuck even happened? Is that a question I can ask? Who the fuck is going to answer? Thal?

AND ALL THIS WRITING JUST HURTS MY FUCKING HAND DID NOBODY TELL ME HOW TO HOLD A FUCKING QUILL

Fuck it I’m done.

More complaining.

-21st Sun of the 1st Astral Moon

Here we are again, I suppose. I have nothing to write about that isn’t just me bitching at everything ever. I’m not happy with U’xi anymore. I wish I’d taken the time to actually get to know her before jumping into this, but that opportunity has been and gone.

It’s becoming more and more apparent that she doesn’t care for how I feel, and only seems interested in fulfilling her own little fantasy of having the girl that she’s wanted for so long. I feel sorry for Zho. She’s going to have to deal with the fallout here.

In other news, we took down Jiggy’s tree without issue. Reppu managed to locate which of the present boxes he had decided to sleep in and carried it away while me and another Miqo’te carried the tree out. Reppu’s strength potions are making things incredibly convenient, even if alchemical compounds do have a history of undesirable effects on me.

Unfortunately, Jiggy had to be bribed with a throne, which he now sits upon. I don’t know where Reppu got a replica of the Allagan Emperor’s throne, and I’m not going to ask. The only thing I’m a little concerned over is that the moment Jiggy sat upon it, he expressed interest in obtaining a large, red rock. So far it seems a Dalamud Popoto will suffice. I don’t think this will end well when it starts to perish.

 

A while back, Fenix and Taalla stopped me from removing my negative emotions. I had a plan to use a neurolink to cut off that part of my mind and make my life easier, but now I wonder what I was thinking. ADS seems to be interested in continuing the work on the project for other use, but I’m not so sure it’s something I should be meddling in. Perhaps a new project is in order there.

 

So much of this journal has been negative. I wonder if I’ll ever have a string of positive entries. Perhaps not until I make changes to everything, until I find a way to be happier. I can’t, though. I don’t know what it is. Maybe Thal is just desperate for company and wants me to join him so soon, but I can’t do that either; I’d just leave behind distraught friends, and then nobody would be around to stop Jiggy.

I wonder if anybody knows…

Zzz.

-17th sun of the 1st Astral Moon

I slept all day.

It was awesome.

Honestly I still feel conflicted on how I feel about Xi. She understands me–mostly. When it’s just the two of us, we talk well just generally mesh, but I’m starting to think that if I want to be around my friends, then either I don’t do it with her around, or I just accept the fact that she’s grossly inconsiderate.

She keeps up with the touching and the snuggling in public, even though I’m not comfortable with it. That alone isn’t really enough to make me ask her to stop, but when I know it’s making other people uncomfortable it’s where I want to draw the line. I don’t like attention at the best of times, let alone when it’s because I have some horny Keeper kissing my neck.

I suppose I’ll talk to her about it with a clearer head now. Writing really does seem to help me collect my thoughts. I can write them down, calm down and read them again with a new perspective.

Perhaps I should just tell her that we rushed it too much, and that I think we need to slow things down and see how they play out, especially in regards to how we treat those who are close to the other. I don’t like her so-called “family”, and she allegedly wants to like the Winds group, but I’ve seen little in her behaviour to suggest that’s true.

 

On other topics, I plan to try and take Jiggy’s tree down tomorrow. Twelve save me.

Nevermind.

-16th Sun of the 1st Astral Moon

So much for all of that. U’xi seems incapable of actually functioning like any kind of normal person. She’s Ki’lari, only slightly more tolerable. All I feel right now is regret, and even though she’s made an attempt at soothing words I still don’t feel like I’ve made the right choice.

To sum it up, U’xi is now residing at the Winds Estate for the foreseeable future. She’s already overstepped her bounds by touching Reppu’s horns, she’s pissed Fenix off, and she’s pissed Eyshn off. Last of all, in doing so, she’s pissed me off as well. These are my friends. Dear friends, and if she can’t actually act decently and in a considerate manner then she’s going to be the one gone, not them.

I feel terrible, giving out ultimatums like this. I haven’t put it forth yet, but I’m going to if this happens again. I already know that Eyshn has probably lost a decent chunk of respect for me–if she even had any in the first place.

How was I so fucking stupid? I knew this would end badly, but I still just went with it. For what? The instant gratification? The short-lived pick-me-up of somebody telling me they love me until I feel better? Is that what I am? I just live off rebound to rebound?

[A few large spatterings of ink mark the page here.]

I got angry. I threw the book. It’s fine. I could do with Zho to lean on right now. Just somebody, anybody to hold me and give me some reassurance that not everything is going to shit.

Speaking of Zho. Gods, she looks gorgeous with her hair like that. She should’ve told me she was a natural ginger. It genuinely looks beautiful on her.

At least I ended this entry on a happy note. I think I’ll see her tomorrow.